Thinking of Joy...

This is one of the songs that reminds me of my niece, Joy. I miss her so much....

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Letting go...

On Monday, June 28th I awoke with sadness in my heart. It was my niece Hailey's birthday and I knew I was not going to be able to see the lil peanut as her Mom (my sister) does not speak to us. There are some things that I cannot change and have to go on with. It is what it is. That does not however, mean the love isn't there in my heart.

Also, on Monday afternoon Ken and I were given custody of my sweet baby niece. We were also given the opportunity to adopt her should rights be terminated. This filled our hearts with hope and we love Joy so very much. This was a dream come true. We purchased a new swing for her along with other items. When I took her home I felt as if she was finally home. My heart was full and my arms were no longer empty. The love I have for her runs deeper than anything I can even describe.

I cried while holding her, marveling at her perfectness. Feeding her is amazing and she always lets a big ole belch out for me. I enjoy the hustle bustle and our pups were always on their best behavior.

Ken got home Monday night and we were just so happy, and hopeful. Monday night we went up to bed and put Joy in her bassinet. Eventually after a few hours Ken decided he would take her downstairs and allow me to get some sleep because I had been running myself ragged with this whole stressful situation.

Tuesday morning I came downstairs to see the most beautiful sight. Ken was holding Joy in the recliner and they were both asleep. I tried to hide the fact that my menieres disease was acting up. Truth is, I rarely talk about it as I don't like to be a negative person. As the day went on it was pretty obvious I was not well at all. I knew deep in my heart that I would not be able to care for Joy as I would like to and I voiced that to ken. Sure, I could do it when Ken was home. But eventually he has to go back to work and he'd be gone sometimes two nights in a row. What if I had a horrible two day attack when I had Joy? I had to admit to myself that I am not well and that Joy deserves better than I can give her. I do not take admitting something is wrong too well. I like to be a strong person. I tend to hide the MM stuff and pass it off like everything is A-OK...but it's not.

Ken and I cried all day on Tuesday and his Mom came over a few times and later that night his Dad came over too. I felt obligated to make them, along with everybody else happy by having a family. We wanted this for as long as we have been together...and everybody wanted this for us so badly. I did not want to disappoint anybody or be considered a failure.

Ken sent me to bed Tuesday night after I took my meds and a sleeping pill. At that time Ken still wanted to try to keep her, that I'd wake up and magically feel like a million bucks. Well, Ken came upstairs at 5am and said he understands how hard it would be on me to care for Joy each and everyday. He did it two nights in a row because I was a spinning mess. We were both on the same page...we knew we had to let her go. She deserved better.

I phoned the office that morning in between puking and napping on my bathroom floor. I begged Ken to take me to the ER to make me better. This was by far the worst attacks I have ever had. Ken's Mom spent most of the morning with us. We cried, and cried and cried some more. Heck, I am still crying. I miss her so much and frankly, I am very pissed off at my body for not allowing my dream.

Ken's parents had given us sweaters that his Nana had knit and crocheted for Ken and his sisters when they were little. Ohhh how I longed for the day she would wear them. I could even imagine in my mind the adoption party we'd have when she became a Woodbury. It would have been the best day in my life next to the day we got married. Those dreams would never happen though...

Wednesday late afternoon a woman named Anne came to pick Joy up. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. To have Joy...in our arms...and let her go. The woman was very nice and she told us so much about herself and family. We exchanged phone numbers, hugs, tears, more hugs, more tears...for about a half hour. We walked them to the car and broke down as we said what we thought were our last goodbyes to our precious lil peanut. We went inside, cried, broke down, watched as Anne put our baby girl in the car, buckled her in...and drove off.

Ken and I were so scared that people would be disappointed in us. I am sure there are people who will never understand. But Joy deserves the best...because she is the best. Ken and I decided we'd go camping for the weekend to escape it all and heal our hearts. Where we go camping is the same area where Joy now lives. It's also the same area Ken and I have been looking for some property. If you remember, we did a carving in Paradise for our babies we lost in 95 & 97...Joy is just up the road from our most favorite place. She is home....just not ours.

Her new family has wanted a little girl for such a long time. Their dream is coming true. On Friday I received a call from Anne and she asked if I would like to go visit them. We made plans that we'd go to their home on Saturday after dinner. Their home is beyond gorgeous and Anne is so gracious and I feel like she is a kindred spirit. We enjoy the same things and she loves Joy so much. It brings our hearts peace to know that Joy is in a great home. She will have everything and so much more with this other family. We support them 100%

This certainly wasn't what we ever thought would come out of this situation. In time I am sure the feelings of being lost, the hurt, my arms feeling empty and the feelings of being a failure in a sense will begin to subside. I feel like I had a child and gave her up...but I know she is in very loving arms and has an amazing home. Like I said, in time...

In the meantime Ken and I are spending our days reconnecting and dealing with letting our dream of having a family go. We need to get my health where it needs to be. We know we can be happy without having children. We kept certain items that were Joys. Her purple headband hangs on the rear view mirror in the suburban, her MSU shirt is still on the shelf in the living room and we have an unwashed, mascara stained blanket that was hers. We also have a shoe that was hers. I gave the other shoe to my sister Jamie and said to her "Joy has forever made an imprint on our hearts" In my shoe is a bunch of dried wildflowers Ken picked for me the night that Joy went to her new home. I am sure in time we won't "need" these things near us.

Joy will reside in our hearts forever. We have come out of this stronger, more aware of ourselves and we now have an awesome extended family an hour away.

Joys first MSU shirt and little sweater

Joy is a month old (on the 20th) and she already is a MSU fan....just like her Uncle Ken & Aunty Kathy. =)

I made her a sweater the other day. She had her first sleepover with us on Saturday night. She's such a joy to have in our lives. To say we love her is an understatement. There is nothing like being an aunty.

Joy

Whoever said you can't fall in love at first sight was wrong. My niece Joy has me wrapped around her precious, long, beautiful fingers and she is only a couple weeks old.

She brings me Joy

This is my new sweet baby niece Joy. She was born on the 20th of May. Just saying her name makes me smile. I foresee a great many years spoiling her rotten. =)

I'm a hooker!!

I'm definitely a hooker...and there's nothing that I enjoy more than being a hooker...a crochet hooker that is!!!

I finished up another lil lady sweater this evening. This one is going to go to my ultra adorable niece for her 2nd birthday. I hope she likes it & I hope I can wait until April to give it to her!! I'm not one for waiting however....



Ok, I'm off to my craft room to gather the yarns needed for my next project(s). No hints either...it's for a birthday gift....have I ever mentioned how much I love yarn!!!!! =)

What is on your Christmas List

A Different Kind of Wish List

Ya know…I'm actually a deep thinker. It would come as a surprise to many. Especially the ones who only know the goofy, loud, in your face, obnoxious Kathy.

Tonight I surprised my sweellacious friend Jewel a phone call. Her & her hubbykins are having another baby. They already have one perfect lil guy & this new blessing will be absolutely perfect! We talked for a good hour & a half. Talking about the upcoming babykins, our hubby's, grade school days, economy, religion, numerous other things & Christmas. Of course we spoke of Christmas!!! You can't talk to me this time of year & NOT have Christmas come up in conversation.

We spoke of gifts & what we'd like. Neither of us had "things" on our list. I think she was surprised when I told her what I "wanted" She said. "Your favorite holiday is Christmas & you don't want presents?" I'm not going to lie. I do like receiving gifts…but I don't expect them. Then I thought about my fantastical friend Brandy who instills giving to others in her children. She totally wrote a blog about it…made me tear up…cuz I'm an emo like that.

I went on to tell Jewel I'd love to have a new bookcase. I actually need one for my upteen books. There is no possibility of throwing books out either. I can read a book several times. Books rock my world. They are my "nic nacs" I'd also like jammies. I get them every year. The selfish side of me would be sad if I didn't get jammies on Christmas Eve. My Mom always gave me jammies then. But seriously, that's all I really want. Sure there are things that I think would be nice to have….but are they necessary???

It's been a few hours since my phone call with Jewel & this is what I've compiled on my Wish List:

To be surrounded by my family & friends

When my 15yr old brother gives me a hug & tells me he loves me always rocks my socks. What 15yr olds do that?

To see my nieces & nephews & see Christmas through their eyes

To host a game night with friends

A sledding, hot cocoa, yummy treat eating bonanza

To revisit fading memories of my Mom & Dad. It's been 23yrs since I've had a Christmas with Mom. Dad's 23rd anniversary is next month. Even though he was alive for the Christmas after Mom passed he was not "there" The memories fade as the days go by…but every now & then there's a reminder & it all comes back…it's those moments I cherish this time of year.

And there is one more…It's what I wish the most….I wish this every year….I would absolutely love, more like it would be a dream come true if I could meet the police officer who saved my life when I was 5 days old. There is no police record of it happening. It was August 30, 1975 & the Mayor of Manistique hit us head on. This officer gave me CPR & brought me back…and for that I am eternally grateful. I have experienced a lot of pain, went through my fair share of not too swell times. But you know what? I have had the best times too!! I had the opportunity to have loving parents, oodles upon oodles of siblings, nieces & nephews, cousins, aunts & uncles, friends & my one & only hubby Ken. I have seen the states, waded in the ocean, climbed small mountains out west, walked on the Great Salt Lake when the water was evaporated. I have gone camping & ran with my dogs. I have seen sunsets that have made me cry…for real. I have seen Eagles fly & heard train horns, I have had the privilege of being pregnant, if only for a short time by the most amazing man that exists, I have had the grief of losing ones I love. Those losses have taught me to love deeply & not take life for granted & to be humble & compassionate. I have been abused by an old man…it taught strength & to appreciate my body. I have laughed till I cried & cried till I laughed. I have witnessed the birth of my niece…the miracle of life…even though I am unable. I have had the amazing opportunity to meet new people & learn to crochet. I have felt kittens kick in my cats belly…something I would never experience in my own, I have been blessed with amazing in-laws who love my punk ass. I have ridden my bike in a rain flooded Sheridan Road, I have experienced the coughs & gags of smoking that 1st cigarette, I have laid on a blanket staring in the sky wishing upon stars to one day meet this man… so much has been experienced….. All this because a man, a hero decided a 5 day old baby was worth saving. It's the least I could do to give him a proper thank you…and even then, it's not enough. So yeah….meeting this man is always on my Christmas wish list and my birthday list. This one man has given me so many gifts that no Christmas gift could ever hold a candle to….

What's on your wish list this year???

Monkey Business

I spent much of the morning cleaning but this afternoon I took some "Kathy Time" Recently I ran across a pattern on how to make sock monkeys. You can find the pattern I followed at http://www.craftbits.com/viewProject.do?projectID=1104 I thought, hmm what the heck & I wanted to craft something funtastical & quirky for my nieces.






I purchased a pair of quirky striped socks....

These are the markings for the construction of what will become the legs & body of lil Miss Sock Monkey...all done while the sock is inside-out
All sewn up on each side of my drawn line...and ready to cut to form the legs
She's got legs & the grey part is her fannie...think she's got some junk in her trunk???
Turn it right side out & I began stuffing the crotch....oh my, that sounds dirty!! When I spoke to Ken this afternoon on the phone he asked what I was up to. Which I replied "stuffing a monkey's crotch" Go figure he calls whie I am doing this!!! LOL
Now I take the other sock, turn it inside-out & mark it as shown. The thin side will become the tail & the remainder will become the arms and ears and mouth for Miss Monkey.

Sewing & cutting....
Cut the other half of the sock as shown below. The right part become 2 arms, the middle grey piece the mouth & the left is used to make the ears.
Once all pieces are sewn together & stuffed sew them into their position....She's looking like a monkey now!!!!
Add the finishing touches...ears, eyes & a smile & you have one funtastical sock monkey!!! The pattern I followed was very easy to follow & I totally recommend it if Monkey-ing around is in your future!!! =) Now I've got to make a handful more of these for the nieces & nephew!! =)

Ladie's Day

Yesterday morning my lil sis called me to see if I'd like to join her & her two babies in a shopping adventure. I'm all about spending time with the sis & babies!! Sis' hubby is out of town on a business trip & my dear hubby is on the road as well. So it was a ladies day!! =)

First of all I must say her kiddos are beyond adorable & her & her hubby have the making cute kiddos perfected! Anyways, the oldest is 1 yr 5 mos & baby #2 just turned two months the end of August. So lil sis has her hands full! But they're good kiddos & they rock my socks. I do believe my socks get rocked a lot! It's one of my favorite sayings. ANYWAYS....back to the subject here.

We shopped for our housley needs & I picked up a lil teddy bear for Hayley & the cutie pie head fell asleep to it. I think it was actually getting to be her nap time but perhaps the bear helped. LOL I tried to see if Maddy would like new jammmies & she showed no interest. Maddy is a very methodical girl. She's oober funny but her serious face cracks me up. So seeing she showed no interest in clothes we decided we'd pick out a book. She's like her Mommy & her auntie as we both devour books on a regular basis.

So, we get over to the book section, I took Maddy out of the cart & she plopped her lil tooshie smack dab on the floor in the middle of the book aisle to scope out the books. She was pretty stoked. Can babies be stoked? Well she was. Her eyes lit up & her smile was beaming from ear to ear. Her love of books excites me & I totally can't wait to bring her book shopping for each holiday!!! I had several books I wanted to get her but I decided on Charlotte's Web by E.B. White. A total classic & well, miss Maddy is a classic chicky & she totally needed that book!! Her Mommy also got her a funtastical book. Then Libs & I went book crazy on ourselves =) Ok, perhaps she went a lil more nuts than me but she has kiddos she can pass these classics down to. I bought The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, The Wind in the Willows, Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland, Old Yeller & Where the Red Fern Grows...total classics & must haves to my already bulging book cases.

So ended a fantastic outing with 3 fantastic ladies!!!

Raspberries Galore!!!

My lil brother JJ called this afternoon asking if I was up to anything tonight. He was wanting to spend the night at his big sis' house. Of course I said yes. I have missed the lil goober head!

I asked him if he'd want to go raspberry picking tonight & he was like "sure" So I stopped by my in laws & picked up my niece Brittany & away we went. This time I took the camera though!!!



Me & Brittany





Haha! JJ posing with his lil not so manly berry picking apron!!! He was not too snitz on this contraption at all & I do believe he felt his guyhood was violated with the prettyness!! LOL



JJ & Brittany being goofy heads!!

What a funtastical outing it was to hang with my lil bro & adorable niece!! Now hopefully they will help with the preserving part!! LOL

SHAAAZAM BAA DAAA BING BANG!!!

I am beyond head over heels in love with my brand new niece!! My sis Elizabeth called me this morning telling me that their daughter was born last night.












Hayley Grace was born on the 28th, (which happens to be my favorite #) at 11:42pm & weighed in at 9lbs 4ozs & she is 20 inches long.













Ken & I just returned from the hospital. Meeting her was as if I have known her my whole life. Her lil miniature lips, fingers & ears just melt my soul & make me so very appreciative of the miracle I held in my arms.














Hayley has an ultra fabulous, precious big 1yr old sister Madison who was chillin with her Gma & Gpa T. When my niece Madison was born last April Ken & I were in Massachusetts at Ken's Nana's house so we didn't get to meet Madison Lily until we got home...about a week after she was born. I never realized just how much I could love a lil being until I became an auntie.








My sister Elizabeth & I did not grow up together. She was adopted by our biological Mother's sister & I was adopted by my real Dad's parents. It wasn't until she was in her late teens that we started talking & we began hanging out & really getting to know each other after she was out of school.







With my two biological sisters I am just that...a sister & I am an auntie to their wunnaful fabulous kiddos. There is no step this or that...they are what they are & allow me to be what I am...a sister & auntie. Unlike in my family... I say this because there are a few members of my 'adopted' family that call me a "sneister" which is a version of sister/niece or "caunty" meaning cousin/aunt . It has to do with the whole me being adopted thing. Anyways, the saying urks me to no end & I have come to the conclusion if I am considered by others to be something that I am not, then I shall be nothing.




A few years ago my nephew & his wife announced that they were pregnant. I was beyond ecstatic to be a great auntie. I was then informed that I wouldn't be the child's auntie...but a cousin. I remember crying for hours on end. It's as if my place in the family didn't exist.














Even though Elizabeth & I weren't brought up together we have what I'd call an amazing sisterly relationship. Elizabeth is not only my sister but one of my very best friends & I could never thank her enough for everything she is & has done for me & has given me & more importantly allowed me to be!!!







I am an AUNTIE!!! And that my friends, rocks my socks bright purple!!!