No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...

Whew, it's been a long time since I've been on here. Every once in awhile when the world seems to be too much or too hectic we all need a break...and that's what I took. Time to rejuvenate and heal and have some up to our eyeballs fun adventures canoeing, camping, hiking, embracing each other and ourselves.

I've got sooo sooo much to talk about, but yet have no clue where to even begin. Life is wonderful, my heart is full, and we are at peace.

I will have more to write about...but for now, I am going to put up a Christmas tree or two and make some cookies and a cake. We are having 11 friends over Saturday night for game night. It's going to be fantabulastic!

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself ; I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." ~Groucho Marx

Letting go...

On Monday, June 28th I awoke with sadness in my heart. It was my niece Hailey's birthday and I knew I was not going to be able to see the lil peanut as her Mom (my sister) does not speak to us. There are some things that I cannot change and have to go on with. It is what it is. That does not however, mean the love isn't there in my heart.

Also, on Monday afternoon Ken and I were given custody of my sweet baby niece. We were also given the opportunity to adopt her should rights be terminated. This filled our hearts with hope and we love Joy so very much. This was a dream come true. We purchased a new swing for her along with other items. When I took her home I felt as if she was finally home. My heart was full and my arms were no longer empty. The love I have for her runs deeper than anything I can even describe.

I cried while holding her, marveling at her perfectness. Feeding her is amazing and she always lets a big ole belch out for me. I enjoy the hustle bustle and our pups were always on their best behavior.

Ken got home Monday night and we were just so happy, and hopeful. Monday night we went up to bed and put Joy in her bassinet. Eventually after a few hours Ken decided he would take her downstairs and allow me to get some sleep because I had been running myself ragged with this whole stressful situation.

Tuesday morning I came downstairs to see the most beautiful sight. Ken was holding Joy in the recliner and they were both asleep. I tried to hide the fact that my menieres disease was acting up. Truth is, I rarely talk about it as I don't like to be a negative person. As the day went on it was pretty obvious I was not well at all. I knew deep in my heart that I would not be able to care for Joy as I would like to and I voiced that to ken. Sure, I could do it when Ken was home. But eventually he has to go back to work and he'd be gone sometimes two nights in a row. What if I had a horrible two day attack when I had Joy? I had to admit to myself that I am not well and that Joy deserves better than I can give her. I do not take admitting something is wrong too well. I like to be a strong person. I tend to hide the MM stuff and pass it off like everything is A-OK...but it's not.

Ken and I cried all day on Tuesday and his Mom came over a few times and later that night his Dad came over too. I felt obligated to make them, along with everybody else happy by having a family. We wanted this for as long as we have been together...and everybody wanted this for us so badly. I did not want to disappoint anybody or be considered a failure.

Ken sent me to bed Tuesday night after I took my meds and a sleeping pill. At that time Ken still wanted to try to keep her, that I'd wake up and magically feel like a million bucks. Well, Ken came upstairs at 5am and said he understands how hard it would be on me to care for Joy each and everyday. He did it two nights in a row because I was a spinning mess. We were both on the same page...we knew we had to let her go. She deserved better.

I phoned the office that morning in between puking and napping on my bathroom floor. I begged Ken to take me to the ER to make me better. This was by far the worst attacks I have ever had. Ken's Mom spent most of the morning with us. We cried, and cried and cried some more. Heck, I am still crying. I miss her so much and frankly, I am very pissed off at my body for not allowing my dream.

Ken's parents had given us sweaters that his Nana had knit and crocheted for Ken and his sisters when they were little. Ohhh how I longed for the day she would wear them. I could even imagine in my mind the adoption party we'd have when she became a Woodbury. It would have been the best day in my life next to the day we got married. Those dreams would never happen though...

Wednesday late afternoon a woman named Anne came to pick Joy up. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. To have Joy...in our arms...and let her go. The woman was very nice and she told us so much about herself and family. We exchanged phone numbers, hugs, tears, more hugs, more tears...for about a half hour. We walked them to the car and broke down as we said what we thought were our last goodbyes to our precious lil peanut. We went inside, cried, broke down, watched as Anne put our baby girl in the car, buckled her in...and drove off.

Ken and I were so scared that people would be disappointed in us. I am sure there are people who will never understand. But Joy deserves the best...because she is the best. Ken and I decided we'd go camping for the weekend to escape it all and heal our hearts. Where we go camping is the same area where Joy now lives. It's also the same area Ken and I have been looking for some property. If you remember, we did a carving in Paradise for our babies we lost in 95 & 97...Joy is just up the road from our most favorite place. She is home....just not ours.

Her new family has wanted a little girl for such a long time. Their dream is coming true. On Friday I received a call from Anne and she asked if I would like to go visit them. We made plans that we'd go to their home on Saturday after dinner. Their home is beyond gorgeous and Anne is so gracious and I feel like she is a kindred spirit. We enjoy the same things and she loves Joy so much. It brings our hearts peace to know that Joy is in a great home. She will have everything and so much more with this other family. We support them 100%

This certainly wasn't what we ever thought would come out of this situation. In time I am sure the feelings of being lost, the hurt, my arms feeling empty and the feelings of being a failure in a sense will begin to subside. I feel like I had a child and gave her up...but I know she is in very loving arms and has an amazing home. Like I said, in time...

In the meantime Ken and I are spending our days reconnecting and dealing with letting our dream of having a family go. We need to get my health where it needs to be. We know we can be happy without having children. We kept certain items that were Joys. Her purple headband hangs on the rear view mirror in the suburban, her MSU shirt is still on the shelf in the living room and we have an unwashed, mascara stained blanket that was hers. We also have a shoe that was hers. I gave the other shoe to my sister Jamie and said to her "Joy has forever made an imprint on our hearts" In my shoe is a bunch of dried wildflowers Ken picked for me the night that Joy went to her new home. I am sure in time we won't "need" these things near us.

Joy will reside in our hearts forever. We have come out of this stronger, more aware of ourselves and we now have an awesome extended family an hour away.

Freedom!!!

This is a really great story! Not many people get a picture of this proud bird snuggled up next to them.
Freedom and Jeff


Freedom and I have been together 10 years this summer. She came in as a baby in 1998 with two broken wings. Her left wing doesn't open all the way even after surgery, it was broken in 4 places. She's my baby.

When Freedom came in she could not stand and both wings were broken. She was emaciated and covered in lice. We made the decision to give her a chance at life, so I took her to the vets office. From then on, I was always around her. We had her in a huge dog carrier with the top off, and it was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to lay in. I used to sit and talk to her, urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay there looking at me with those big brown eyes. We also had to tube feed her for weeks.

This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still couldn't stand. It got to the point where the decision was made to euthanize her if she couldn't stand in a week. You know you don't want to cross that line between torture and rehab, and it looked like death was winning. She was going to be put down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't want to go to the center that Thurs day, because I couldn't bear the thought of her being euthanized; but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone was grinning from ear to ear. I went immediately back to her cage; and there she was, standing on her own, a big beautiful eagle. She was ready to live. I was just about in tears by then. That was a very good day. We knew she could never fly, so the director asked me to glove train her. I got her used to the glove, and then to jesses, and we started doing education programs for schools in western Washington. We wound up in the newspapers, radio (believe it or not) and some TV. Miracle Pets even did a show about us.

In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I had stage 3, which is not good (one major organ plus everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of chemo. Lost the hair - the whole bit. I missed a lot of work. When I felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would also come to me in my dreams and help me fight the cancer. This happened time and time again.

Fast forward to November 2000, the day after Thanksgiving, I went in for my last checkup. I was told that if the cancer was not all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for the results. I went in Monday, and I was told that all the cancer was gone.

? So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her up, and we went out front to the top of the hill. I hadn't said a word to Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me and wrapped both her wings around me to where I could feel them pressing in on my back (I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she touched my nose with her beak and stared into my eyes, and we just stood there like that for I don't know how long. That was a magic moment. We have been soul mates ever since she came in. This is a very special bird.

On a side note: I have had people who were sick come up to us when we are out, and Freedom has some kind of hold on them. I once had a guy who was terminal come up to us and I let him hold her. His knees just about buckled and he swore he could feel her power coarse through his body. I have so many stories like that.

I never forget the honor I have of being so close to such a magnificent spirit as Freedom. Hope you enjoy this.

Jeff Guidry

Letting Go & Letting Sunshine Back In

I was uncertain what to title this post as. Last October Ken & I put our hearts back out int the world of adopting. We first joined MARE, then went into exploring the other options. We came so close to getting the most amazing little girl one has ever seen. Things seemed to be going great. I allowed myself to buy some stuff for the room, drew & painted the themes on the walls, we borrowed a crib from Ken's aunt & uncle. The whole shabang... we had everything. We were ready, our hearts completely in it.

Well, needless to say, the adopting stuff took a royal crap, as our normal luck goes. But as usual we got back up, put the pieces of our heart somewhat back together . It's a place neither of us will allow ourselves to go again. We've lost so much & picking up the pieces never gets easy. But, we've managed to go on with life. It took me awhile to use this room for any functional purpose other than a place to house the litter pans for Buster & Betsey. But I am now pleased & absolutely luv this amazing place! It was started out with such love & hope. In this room I now hope to create loving pieces of craftyness. Below are the before & after pics. Meaning...all set up for kiddo & to the now ultra fabulous Kathy's Krafty Korner!! I couldn't be more stoked!!






See the yellow blankie draped over the back of the crib? My Mom made that for me when I was in Readiness Kindnergarden to use during "nap/rest time" I cherish such things so much. It now sits on the shelf in the den. I'm trying to figure out a way to incorporate it into our bedroom.

I absolutely LOVE Pooh, more specifically Eeyore. So naturally the nursery had to be in that theme. In one day I free hand drew the characters on the wall & painted them. I know, Pooh looks a bit gimpish with a wimpy arm. I've never claimed to be a good drawer. It was fun though.

She only got to play with this little kitchen a couple times. It now sits in our attic collecting dust. I'm thinking I could give it to my lil baby niece or my cousin who is opening up a fabulous daycare in her home!!

I found this adorable lamp on Ebay & totally had to have it!!
I made the cushions for the rocking chair ken's folks gave us...we were all set to spend nights rocking & lul-a-bye-ing.
Now, this is what I've transformed this baby space into! It's a craft room/office!! I've still got some work to do in there. Man, the craft stuff I have!! Yesterday I worked on the cleaning part & got inspired to make some Christmas cards. Notice a few of the blue colored jars my fabulous friends Sam & Pat gave me? I couldn't use them for food. Well I could have but to me they are way too pretty!!! They have found a new purpose now...holding my pens, markers, colored pencils, craft scissors, shells...you name it. They friggen rock!! Thank you Sammers & Pat!!

This is another windowsill in the room. I have miscellaneous things to put in the jars. This one has shells from Coco Beach in Florida. Buttons, acorns, pine cones & who knows what else will find a home in the other ones. I'm still working on cleaning remember...lol

This is one of my most favoritist things in life...YARN!!! And I have plenty!! I have it all organized by the rainbow color palette. It's so wunnaful being able to see just what I've got. I tend to go out and buy yarn just for funzies. There is a slight addiction to my yarn buying.
This part of the closet houses a small portion of my fabric. In that gorgeous basket I keep my embroidery threads. The basket was the one I bought at the gas & Steam engine show. Remember that Red Owl box I wrote of this summer that I got at a rummage sale? That now sits on the closet floor & holds stray balls of yarn from past projects. It makes me smile every time I see it. Brings me back to my childhood of weekend grocery shopping trips with Mom & Dad.
This is another part of my scrappin desk. I love how it looks out the window. Yeah, I still get the litter pans in my room. But that's ok. They will stay cleaner this way anyways. As who in tarnation would want to work in a cat smelling space? Plus the whole Pooh thing rocks my socks!!
Go Spartans!! Yup, still a big MSU gal!! The picture is blurry but in the rack there I have myriads of papers to fart around with.

I also have another desk area in this space. It's my old vanity. Actually it was my sister Chrissy's & then Laurie's...and now mine. I wish I knew how to insert a photo & move it around. I'm sure it will be included in another post...at another time. I've still got A LOT of cleaning to do up there! This is just a smidgen I've showed.

Anytootles...I've been ooberously busy cleaning, getting back to "me", crafting & all that fancy stuff. It took me many months to allow myself to claim this room as my own. My heart is healing & I am totally diggin having this Eeyoreiffic room to craft & do paperwork in!! =)