To Mom

To Mom:

You taught me how to crochet in one day. We'd sit for hours making skeins of yarn into balls.



I'd pick handfuls of dandelions you would proudly display on the windowsill.



I'd go upstairs and collect the "dirty hangers" Why empty hangers were called dirty hangers is beyond me.



We'd put my Puff The Magic Dragon 8 track in the player and listen to it before I went to school.



I was your Suzy Bell.



When I was 10....You died



I am living with my real dad and his wife now. They love me very much and treat me like their daughter. But, I still miss you, Mom.



I'd pick two handfuls of dandelions so you could put them in a jar on the windowsill, but toss them on the ground.



Man, I wish I could sit on your couch and watch you crochet.



I have learned that wanting "things" and having more is selfish.



I wish I told you I loved you on November 11th instead of getting mad that you said I couldn't have another Cabbage Patch Kid.



I wish I hugged you and told you that I loved you every day.



When I was a teenager



I'm in high school now, Mom. I wish I could tell you about the boy/boys I have a crush on.



I sit in my room crocheting while thinking of you.



Your voice is beginning to fade away now. But, I never forget the way you'd say Katherine Marie.



I go to your grave and tell you I love you and long for a hug from you.



What I wouldn't do to sit in the Church pew with you and hear you sing "Amazing Grace"



I go to my Junior and Senior Prom but you aren't there to help me get ready.



I have my first real boyfriend and fall in love, only to have my heart shattered.



I could use your advise so I go to your grave and talk to your stone.



When I am 18 I meet the love of my life. I wish you could meet him, Mom. his name is Ken. I think he is The One.



I was given the blue afghan you made. It always was my favorite. I sleep with it every night. It makes me feel like you are giving me a big hug when I have it in my arms.



I got engaged to that wonderful boy Ken, Mom. Oh how I wish I could tell you this in person rather than visiting this stone.



I took a pregnancy test and we are expecting!! You are going to be a wonderful great Grandma!! I want to rush to you and get your advice, Mom. After all you raised 10 awesome kids. Who better to talk to than you, Mom.



I'm lying here in a hospital bed. I lost the baby Mom. I had an ectopic pregnancy and they had to remove my ruptured fallopian tube. I don't know what hurts worse, the pain of losing our baby or not having you hear with me, Mom. I realize my step mom is a god send. She understands and shows me the love I know you would show.



Mom, I need you.



Today is my wedding day. I am 20 years old. I wake up and get ready all by myself. Darnit, you should have been here. You would love Ken. he treats me like gold and he's rather handsome. He wants a big family too, Mom. We played a song in yours and dad's memory and our baby's too. I hope you heard it. The whole day I thought of you. I even wore your Mother's ring to have you near.



It's my 22nd birthday I and I just found out we are pregnant. I want to share my birthday and this awesome news with you....so I close my eyes and think of you.



I can barely remember your voice now and it breaks my heart.



I really need you, Mom. We lost the baby to another ectopic pregnancy. Dreams of having a family are shattered. I could really use a hug from you right now. Our angels reside with you and Dad in heaven now.



We go through a handful of adoption processes and they never go right. I need you Mom.



I'm 35 now and it's the 25th anniversary of your passing.



I still sleep with your blue afghan every night.



I go to your grave and I smile when I think of you.



I crochet for hours on end. You have put the passion for yarn in my bones. I know, my passion is a bit extreme.



I find myself missing you more today than I ever have and I wonder how that is possible. I only had you for 10 short years. How can I miss something so bad that I barely had? Then I realize, you have always been with me, Mom. you are in my heart. You are in my thoughts.

It is you that inspires me to be the best daughter, wife, daughter in law, sister, cousin, aunt and friend I can possibly be. In those short 10 years you made such an impact on my life. I want to be a better person because of you.

I honor my husband. The love you and dad showed for one another is a mirror to the love Ken & I share. You taught me what that kind of love is and I knew what to look for. You continue to teach me every day to never give up, because, you never did.

You were full of P&V and well, Mom...I guess you could say, so am I. I do wish I could pick up the telephone or just drop by and hear your voice.



I close my eyes and I feel you in my heart. You may not be here on earth with me but, you will always reside in my heart & I can reach in there and talk to you anytime I want.



I miss you Mom



Love,

Suzy Bell

Mother's Day

Nana's roses last year for Mother's Day

Your Mother Is Always With You

Your mother is always with you...
She's the whisper of the leaves

as you walk down the street.

She's the smell of bleach in

your freshly laundered socks.

She's the cool hand on your

brow when you're not well.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.

She's crystallized in every tear drop...
She's the place you came from,

your first home..

She's the map you follow with every step that you take.
She's your first love and your first heartbreak....

and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space...Not even death....

will ever separate you from your mother....
You carry her inside of you....
- Sherry Martin

Today is Mother's Day and to be quite honest, it is a day I despise and have a horrible time with. I lost my Mom when I was 10 years old, the babies I carried for a couple short months are in heaven and we lost Ken's Nana ,who I was very close to, last June. This is our first Mother's Day without her. I am very blessed though to have shared some extraordinary times with Nana. I treasure the time we had with her. There are so many times I feel Nana is just a phone call away. I want to hear about her day and share mine with her. I miss her asking about her "grand dogs" and the hours we'd spend talking about crocheting. I just miss her.

It didn't seem right not buying her a Mother's Day card yesterday when I was at the store. For the 16 years Ken & I have been together I have picked out 15 Mothers Day cards for her. This was the first year I haven't. Each year we would scour the stores for "Nana" cards. There would be 2, maybe 3 Nana themed cards...all of which looked like they were from a 2 year old grandchild. But every year she got a Nana card. Well, yesterday while picking out Ken's mom's, his grandma's and my step mom's card I ran across at least 12 Nana themed cards. I actually had to leave the aisle before I lost it. What can I say, Hallmark knows how to get the waterworks working on me.

Yesterday in Nana's memory I purchased one dozen pink roses and put them in the vase we bought for her last year. We filled the vase with two dozen pink roses last year. Our dining room table looks so cheery and remembering how much Nana enjoyed pink roses brings a smile to my face. I am also honored that I was given Nana's Mother's Ring after she passed away. I wear it daily and am honored the family chose me to have it.

We will be going to Ken's grandparents house for a steak dinner. It's usually a great time with amazing wonderful people. I find myself wanting to stay home or work in the garden. Last year the ladies were all in the house while the guys manned the BHG (big honkan grill). Well, Ken's aunt told me that I should be outside cooking with the guys, that this day was for Mom's and I wasn't one...Yeah....ouch!! It's not like I chose for our babies to go to Heaven... Tears welled up and I went out of the house faster than a bullet speeding out of a gun. You can see why I don't want to go...but I will, for Grandma and my mother in law. Might need to wear some earplugs or take separate vehicles.

I never thought I would find myself missing my Mom so much after not having her for 24 years...but I do. I wish I had the opportunity of cooking side by side in the kitchen with my Mom. The house we own used to be owned by my parents very good friends. My parents have many many memories in this house. I feel close to them somehow by living here.

I wish she could see the things I crochet now. She put the love of yarn into my soul and then years later Ken's Nana inspired me to pick my hook back up. I owe a lot to those two amazing ladies. I wish Ken could have met my Mom. I am certain she'd love him and he'd feel the same. She was one heckuva lady. Classy, yet down to Earth. Who else could lift their butt up and let one rip. Yes, my Mom did that.

There are so many times I could use her advice and her guidance. She inspired me. There have been so many events and things that have happened that I wish she could have been there. I missed having her talk to me about boys, helping me get ready for a school dance, teaching me how to curl my hair, attending my track meets. teaching me how to put on makeup, doing laundry, first boyfriend, breakups, teenage awkward years, braces, prom, graduation, Ken, my wedding, being pregnant and then to be there when we lost our babies. I would have liked my Mom there for that. I know she was in spirit though and there have been so many times I can feel her presence and I know she is with me, guiding me and her memory, along with Nana's continue to inspire me. I can still to this day hear Mom say "Katherine Marie" and that makes me smile.

Mother's Day brings mixed emotions but there is still reason to celebrate. I have an amazing Mother in law and Ken's grandma is one amazing woman as well. I have a step mom who loves me no matter how much heck I gave her. I may not have humanoid children to make Mother's Day seem possible for a gal like me, but I do have the best furry, reptilian, swimmy "children" a gal could ever ask for. =)

Hug your Mom, tell her how much she means to you, pamper her, make those memories that will last a lifetime and bring you inspiration and carry you through the years.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all my beautiful friends. Aunties, sister's and all you wunnaful ladies....whether you have human, furry, reptilian, fishy or whatever "children" you have, enjoy your day. It was made for you =)

Mom in the dress

I have recieved emails & comments about Mom's dress & how it must have looked on. I didn't have pics to include in the previous post but I do now...thanks to my brother Kelly!!! =)


From the left in the back row we have my sis Christine, brothers: Darryl, Bruce, Joe, Jim (my real Dad) The front row left to right we have Pat, Mike, Mom, Dad, Laurie & Kelly. I am not in this pic because I was a lil diaper wearing babykins & the neighbor was babysitting me.

Here we have Mom, Darryl, Memiere (my Dad's Mom) & my Dad

Mom & Dad

The "Secret Project"

The "Secret Project"

On November 12th was my Mom's 23rd anniversary of her passing. I was having a frumpy wumpy kind of day & then my brother Mike called me. Actually he left me a mssg on the answering machine that he was just calling "to talk" Oh boy...I wonder what he needs to talk about. Did I say sumthin wrong in my post about Mom? What could it be? I called him back & he told me he has something of Mom's and asked if I'd be interested in looking at it. I was like, heck yeah!! I didn't even know right away what it was but was interested! He went on to tell me it was the dress Mom wore to my brother Darryl's ordination. He went on to talk about me being all into crafts & wondered if maybe I could make something out of it for us kids. Of course I said YES!!! He said the dress was stained from water damage but the beadwork might be able to be used to make ornament type sachets. I went to pick up the dress that very night. That's when Mike told me the story of the dress. Apparently Mom had a dress ordered for the Ordination but it hadn't come in yet. She gave some $ to my brothers & sent them out on a dress buying adventure. Ate the time St Vincent DePaul was near our house so they went there. It was there that they picked up the dress. There was no time to order another or go to a speciality shop...the Ordination was too close!! So this dress they picked out would "do" Mom wore the dress to Darryl's Ordination into the Priesthood (did I say that right?) and people remarked on how she looked like a Princess. I knew when I took it home I had a big task ahead of me. I wanted to honor my Mom & siblings & not ruin the dress. It took a good month before I even made the 1st cut. After that it all came together & sachets were born. I presented these sachets to my older siblings on Christmas Day after the meal. When Darryl opened his he sniffed it. I went on to tell him "it doesn't smell like anything but an old dress" I then handed him the photo that was taken at the Ordination of the family...with Mom in the dress. I had hoped to scent the sachets with Charlie perfume as it was my Mom's favorite. Even though Mom was not with us...she was!!!

The dress

Beadwork around the waist

Beadwork around the neck

back of neck beadwork

back of waist beadwork

The dress still had the pricetag in it!! A nifty $3.00 bought this!!!! I wonder why Mom left the tag in there.....Just think though, her dress was ordered & I'd imagine it was a nice dress, probably far more expensive than this...but this dress was the dress my Mom chose to wear when the day came. Mike said the ordered dress made it there in the nick of time but Mom thought it more special to wear the ones her kiddos picked out...and she was called a Princess!!! How cool is that!!!

Brayden could sense my emotions, he always does. Now, I don't know why, and you can call me silly but deep down I think he even knew this dress was special & he took it upon himself to nuzzle in it & pose.

Memory Quilt

I'm sooo excited!!! I got oodles on my to do list done today & even finished the top of the Memory Quilt for Ken made out of Gpa's W's old shirts. I can only work on this when Ken is gone so I totally had to take advantage of the time on my hands. I'm sure I'll be up late tonight or be in one of my insomniatic funks so I can finish up my tasks then.


Tomorrow I will put the trim on, the batting & backing....then hide it from the Kenster!! I hope I can hold off giving it to him until Christmas!!! =) For those of you new to my blog the dress on the wall was my Mom's wedding dress and the blue striped afghan was hers too & my real dad & lil brother made the bed for us =)
So many memories lay on my bed.....
What? You've seen this already you say? Well it was just standin there begging to get it's picture taken =)
I totally can't wait to show you what I have up my sleeve for this stack of awsomeness!!!

Mom...

I've been thinking about my Mom a lot. Tomorrow is the 23rd anniversary of her death. It seems as though it were yesterday...Mike coming to my bedside, telling me Mom was dying....I was 10....It was just a little past 7am, I went downstairs, everybody was crying, the phone rang, it was dad...Mom was gone....






I miss you Mom!! I wish you could have met my hubby Ken. He's a fabulous guy & I know you'd be proud to have him as a son in law. In the 10 short years I was graced with you as my Mom I learned so much. I'd like to think you had a HUGE part in making me the woman I've become!! I hope I make you proud. I give you the
credit for instilling the love of crafts in me and for my deep desire in preserving food. How much of an honor it was to have used your applesauce maker gadget this year!!



Katherine Marie!!!!! yeah, I actually miss hearing her say that. I'd get called that when I was being a lil rascall...which happened often. Who'd think the thing I'd hated the most would be one of the things I miss the most