Letting go...

On Monday, June 28th I awoke with sadness in my heart. It was my niece Hailey's birthday and I knew I was not going to be able to see the lil peanut as her Mom (my sister) does not speak to us. There are some things that I cannot change and have to go on with. It is what it is. That does not however, mean the love isn't there in my heart.

Also, on Monday afternoon Ken and I were given custody of my sweet baby niece. We were also given the opportunity to adopt her should rights be terminated. This filled our hearts with hope and we love Joy so very much. This was a dream come true. We purchased a new swing for her along with other items. When I took her home I felt as if she was finally home. My heart was full and my arms were no longer empty. The love I have for her runs deeper than anything I can even describe.

I cried while holding her, marveling at her perfectness. Feeding her is amazing and she always lets a big ole belch out for me. I enjoy the hustle bustle and our pups were always on their best behavior.

Ken got home Monday night and we were just so happy, and hopeful. Monday night we went up to bed and put Joy in her bassinet. Eventually after a few hours Ken decided he would take her downstairs and allow me to get some sleep because I had been running myself ragged with this whole stressful situation.

Tuesday morning I came downstairs to see the most beautiful sight. Ken was holding Joy in the recliner and they were both asleep. I tried to hide the fact that my menieres disease was acting up. Truth is, I rarely talk about it as I don't like to be a negative person. As the day went on it was pretty obvious I was not well at all. I knew deep in my heart that I would not be able to care for Joy as I would like to and I voiced that to ken. Sure, I could do it when Ken was home. But eventually he has to go back to work and he'd be gone sometimes two nights in a row. What if I had a horrible two day attack when I had Joy? I had to admit to myself that I am not well and that Joy deserves better than I can give her. I do not take admitting something is wrong too well. I like to be a strong person. I tend to hide the MM stuff and pass it off like everything is A-OK...but it's not.

Ken and I cried all day on Tuesday and his Mom came over a few times and later that night his Dad came over too. I felt obligated to make them, along with everybody else happy by having a family. We wanted this for as long as we have been together...and everybody wanted this for us so badly. I did not want to disappoint anybody or be considered a failure.

Ken sent me to bed Tuesday night after I took my meds and a sleeping pill. At that time Ken still wanted to try to keep her, that I'd wake up and magically feel like a million bucks. Well, Ken came upstairs at 5am and said he understands how hard it would be on me to care for Joy each and everyday. He did it two nights in a row because I was a spinning mess. We were both on the same page...we knew we had to let her go. She deserved better.

I phoned the office that morning in between puking and napping on my bathroom floor. I begged Ken to take me to the ER to make me better. This was by far the worst attacks I have ever had. Ken's Mom spent most of the morning with us. We cried, and cried and cried some more. Heck, I am still crying. I miss her so much and frankly, I am very pissed off at my body for not allowing my dream.

Ken's parents had given us sweaters that his Nana had knit and crocheted for Ken and his sisters when they were little. Ohhh how I longed for the day she would wear them. I could even imagine in my mind the adoption party we'd have when she became a Woodbury. It would have been the best day in my life next to the day we got married. Those dreams would never happen though...

Wednesday late afternoon a woman named Anne came to pick Joy up. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. To have Joy...in our arms...and let her go. The woman was very nice and she told us so much about herself and family. We exchanged phone numbers, hugs, tears, more hugs, more tears...for about a half hour. We walked them to the car and broke down as we said what we thought were our last goodbyes to our precious lil peanut. We went inside, cried, broke down, watched as Anne put our baby girl in the car, buckled her in...and drove off.

Ken and I were so scared that people would be disappointed in us. I am sure there are people who will never understand. But Joy deserves the best...because she is the best. Ken and I decided we'd go camping for the weekend to escape it all and heal our hearts. Where we go camping is the same area where Joy now lives. It's also the same area Ken and I have been looking for some property. If you remember, we did a carving in Paradise for our babies we lost in 95 & 97...Joy is just up the road from our most favorite place. She is home....just not ours.

Her new family has wanted a little girl for such a long time. Their dream is coming true. On Friday I received a call from Anne and she asked if I would like to go visit them. We made plans that we'd go to their home on Saturday after dinner. Their home is beyond gorgeous and Anne is so gracious and I feel like she is a kindred spirit. We enjoy the same things and she loves Joy so much. It brings our hearts peace to know that Joy is in a great home. She will have everything and so much more with this other family. We support them 100%

This certainly wasn't what we ever thought would come out of this situation. In time I am sure the feelings of being lost, the hurt, my arms feeling empty and the feelings of being a failure in a sense will begin to subside. I feel like I had a child and gave her up...but I know she is in very loving arms and has an amazing home. Like I said, in time...

In the meantime Ken and I are spending our days reconnecting and dealing with letting our dream of having a family go. We need to get my health where it needs to be. We know we can be happy without having children. We kept certain items that were Joys. Her purple headband hangs on the rear view mirror in the suburban, her MSU shirt is still on the shelf in the living room and we have an unwashed, mascara stained blanket that was hers. We also have a shoe that was hers. I gave the other shoe to my sister Jamie and said to her "Joy has forever made an imprint on our hearts" In my shoe is a bunch of dried wildflowers Ken picked for me the night that Joy went to her new home. I am sure in time we won't "need" these things near us.

Joy will reside in our hearts forever. We have come out of this stronger, more aware of ourselves and we now have an awesome extended family an hour away.