Walk to the park

I take a lot of walks and when I do, often times I am greeted with awesome things. This was written on a sidewalk on the 20th of May which just so happens to be the same day that Ken and I decided we would try to adopt...one more time. I needed to see this =)

"When the world says, "Give up,"Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "~ Unknown

Will it ever go away?

You know how when you’re sick you have oodles of time on your hand to think about things? Well that is how this past weekend was for me. Ken went on a short run on Wednesday & got home late that night. What was supposed to be a quick jaunt to WI turned into a long day. Ken came down with the nasty flu bug that’s going around. Poor guy. While he was on his way home I went grocery shopping & on a mission to keep the nasty bug from invading my system. I decided I’d give airborne a try, stocked up on OJ, toilet paper, Kleenex & made home made turkey noodle soup. I knew Ken was in for a doozy!! Or so I thought. I started with a nasty sore throat, coughing, sneezing & we quickly went through the boxes of Kleenex’s so my best friend became a roll of toilet paper. Then it hit me!!! The flu that is!!! YUCK!!!!!

Friday was horrible. Especially having only 1 bathroom & two heines in need of the toilet!! So not cool. Sure we can choreograph our movements much like a dance in our tiny kitchen but give us a grumbling tummy & 1 toilet….it’s not that easy!!! We missed the Christmas Parade downtown Friday night. =( Totally saddens me!! I have yet to see the parade downtown at night. This is the 3rd running of it at night! GRRRRRR. Darn flu!!! We did watch the NACSAR Award banquet though…which totally rocked my socks!!! We decided we’d go to Christmas In The Village on Saturday afternoon & meet some friends there. I could handle that. At least we’d get some Christmas cheer. WRONG!!! Ken was doing better but I was completely on shut down & out of commission. Not only did I have the flu but my MM was on one heck of a rampage. Darn me for making comments about having that under control!!! So, Ken rented movies & we sat around all day. I’m not one to sit through more than 1 movie let alone 4!!! But we squeezed them all in.

Yesterday was another movie watching day. Ken rented another 4 movies. And guess what? Yup, we watched all 4 of them!! I had a doozy of an attack yesterday. I try to hide them from Ken for the most part but yesterday I totally blew it when I went to dump my glass of soda in the sink & totally missed it by a long shot. Hey, I could have sworn the sink was where I aimed. Apparently not! It’s funny now but not yesterday. I left the kitchen feeling like a total jackass. So, needless to say after than not so swell event Ken made the soup for dinner & brought it to me so I wouldn’t make a mess. Bless his cute lil head!!!! =)

All this downtime made me one frumpy frog though & I have way too much on my mind. It would be hard for people to believe but this time of year gets me down sometimes. I try to stay positive & let the past be past. Like the saying goes, Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present…that’s why they call it a gift. I try my hardest to live by those words. But for some time there are some things that have been eating at my happiness for some time now. It’s time such as the flu, MM attacks that I have only but time that alots itself to these “things”

Last night as I laid in bed tossing & turning my thoughts began festering. Why is it that after 2yrs I cannot stand to be in the same room as this one person? The person who stole my very dream at having a family through lies, deciet & selfishness. The selfishness is never ending, putting themselves before their kids. But yet the government rewards them!!! I could go on but I don’t want to ruin my whole day.

Another thing…The economy sucks sumthin fierce right now as we all know. We have people losing their homes, their jobs, their pride. People who WANT to work, people who are not ashamed to work at McDonald’s or in other non big time jobs but yet there are still people who have jobs whining about having to go to work each day! It boggles my mind at the ignorance of these people!!! I swear, if I were a manager of some sort somewhere & heard such a statement the person would be crap canned & the job would be given to someone who is willing & WANTING to work!!!

What about the people who “mooch” from the system? I’m not talking about the good citizens down on their luck, sick or incapable of working. I’m talking about the baby grunter-outers, the professional Welfare bums. The ones who figure “why bother when we can get it for free” bums. The people us working class support!!!

This Christmas I say it’ll be different. Because this Christmas we don’t have our hearts out there to be broken. We aren’t in the process of any adoptions…nobody can hurt us. No family member stealing our dream, no other potential family brought into the picture….but yet it’s killing my yuletide joy. Last year was happy, the year before that I wish never happened.
Ugh, all this frustration…all this hurt…will it ever just go away?

I want Christmas to be special. I want to find the happiness. I find it in many moments but it quickly gets sucked out of me when I remember the hurt, the lies, the deceit.

Today Ken will be leaving to go back to work after a long 4 day weekend due to that not so swell flu-bug that invaded Woodbury-ville. Me, I’m still dizzy as all heck but am determined as all heck to re-discover my Yuletide Joy!!! I need to snap out of this funktifiedfunk and make some Christmas cookies or something. It’s not like me to be so frumpy & let past circumstances rule my present….which is a gift =)

Reminder to self: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery…today is a present. That’s why we call it a gift.

Random Filth

Tonight I did something I never thought I'd do...I went to a movie by myself!! Of course Ken is on the road. And face it, Nights in Rodanthe is not his cup of tea. But I so badly wanted to see it. I decided this morning I would try to go today. I say try because I felt like donkey doo today. Not that I know what a donkey doo feels like mind you. I contemplated calling my gal pals & setting up a gals night. Which would have been out of this galaxy fun!! But then I thought, hmm most of my gal pals work or have babies...something I do not have...I have oodles upon oodles of guy friends but seriously, who would be game for going to see that movie? Not any that I know of. So, I waited the dizzies out today & finally decided at 5:30 I'd be bop to the theater. I have to admit, it wasn't all that bad. Being by myself I mean. I'm always by myself anyways. The movie was great!!

I've been thinking a lot lately. I have feelings of being inadquate, like I NEED to be doing more. I have no babies so why is it I don't "work". Sure, I do the paperwork for ownign our semi. But my brain is so much more capable of doing other things. I love to bake but I can only be Betty effin Crocker so much. Our waist lines show the outcomes. I've been doing a lot of reading. Which reminds me...Lauren, if you're reading this I am waiting for another post!! Yesterday I made a damn sock monkey. Never made one before so I thought, what the heck? Anyways, I'm wanting to do something, feel like I am making a difference, a contribution. At the same time I also want to be able to go on the road with Ken. With the unpredictability of my MM it would make it extremely hard to hold a "normal job" But I need to do something & I have some ideas.
I took this silly quiz the other day...for heck's sake. It was sumthin about How Old Your real self is...sumthin along those lines. Anyways, mine actually came out to be 34!! In a way it surprised me & in a way it didn't. I'm not one for huge parties & complete chaos. I enjoy having order, but at the same time I am extremely spontaneous. Does that make any sense? I've always thought that I have an old soul.

Last night while making the sock monkey I got all cranky, like piturbed with someone. This November is 2yrs ago my nephew was born. My sister adopted him...we were supposed to. Why is this bugging me? Is it because we allowed ourselves to put our heart out there for Maddy...only to get them crushed? But at the same time I know it wasn't meant to be. With Maddy I mean. We are content with it being just us for the rest of our life & have dismissed all hopes on having a baby & see the good side of not having a kiddo. But then it still hurts... I guess the hurt never truly goes away...

In just a couple weeks I will start putting up our Christmas decorations & our handful of trees. For some reason I'm not all super stoked. Is it that I'm getting old? It's like I am where I was 2yrs ago. After the whole nephew ordeal. Not wanting to give a rats arse about Christmas. It's rather bizarre.

I was recently invited to a Christmas party by my friend Shelli. She's amazing! But I'm not sure if I should go. It's for the deaf/HOH club in Esky. I met her through my fabulous friend Gwen eons ago. Gwen had told her about me & my Meniere's crap. Losing your hearing from MM is not uncommon, pretty much a given. It's not something I've truly accepted yet. But these folks have & want me to join them. I have not used sign language in years so it's pretty rusty. I fear I won't be able to communicate or that I won't "fit in" I asked Ken what I should do about this. Bless his heart. He's amazing. He knows I have issues with dealing with the inevitable...perhaps attending this party would make me realize & begin to accept that if MM takes my hearing , life would still have meaning & I would still have friends. Not saying life wouldn't have meaning otherwise. I just don't know!!! So sorry for babbling here. But I haven't done it in awhile.

Onto other things...my thoughts on the upcoming World Series...Go Phillies!!! I have to admit my Bosox were not playing to their abilities in the beginning of the ALCS. It sure is odd sitting here, not watching a baseball game.

There's just too much on my mind right now. Think I'll take a bubble bath to relax, turn on some Korn to relieve stress, have a glass of wine & make sock monkey's to be quirky!!!

Letting Go & Letting Sunshine Back In

I was uncertain what to title this post as. Last October Ken & I put our hearts back out int the world of adopting. We first joined MARE, then went into exploring the other options. We came so close to getting the most amazing little girl one has ever seen. Things seemed to be going great. I allowed myself to buy some stuff for the room, drew & painted the themes on the walls, we borrowed a crib from Ken's aunt & uncle. The whole shabang... we had everything. We were ready, our hearts completely in it.

Well, needless to say, the adopting stuff took a royal crap, as our normal luck goes. But as usual we got back up, put the pieces of our heart somewhat back together . It's a place neither of us will allow ourselves to go again. We've lost so much & picking up the pieces never gets easy. But, we've managed to go on with life. It took me awhile to use this room for any functional purpose other than a place to house the litter pans for Buster & Betsey. But I am now pleased & absolutely luv this amazing place! It was started out with such love & hope. In this room I now hope to create loving pieces of craftyness. Below are the before & after pics. Meaning...all set up for kiddo & to the now ultra fabulous Kathy's Krafty Korner!! I couldn't be more stoked!!






See the yellow blankie draped over the back of the crib? My Mom made that for me when I was in Readiness Kindnergarden to use during "nap/rest time" I cherish such things so much. It now sits on the shelf in the den. I'm trying to figure out a way to incorporate it into our bedroom.

I absolutely LOVE Pooh, more specifically Eeyore. So naturally the nursery had to be in that theme. In one day I free hand drew the characters on the wall & painted them. I know, Pooh looks a bit gimpish with a wimpy arm. I've never claimed to be a good drawer. It was fun though.

She only got to play with this little kitchen a couple times. It now sits in our attic collecting dust. I'm thinking I could give it to my lil baby niece or my cousin who is opening up a fabulous daycare in her home!!

I found this adorable lamp on Ebay & totally had to have it!!
I made the cushions for the rocking chair ken's folks gave us...we were all set to spend nights rocking & lul-a-bye-ing.
Now, this is what I've transformed this baby space into! It's a craft room/office!! I've still got some work to do in there. Man, the craft stuff I have!! Yesterday I worked on the cleaning part & got inspired to make some Christmas cards. Notice a few of the blue colored jars my fabulous friends Sam & Pat gave me? I couldn't use them for food. Well I could have but to me they are way too pretty!!! They have found a new purpose now...holding my pens, markers, colored pencils, craft scissors, shells...you name it. They friggen rock!! Thank you Sammers & Pat!!

This is another windowsill in the room. I have miscellaneous things to put in the jars. This one has shells from Coco Beach in Florida. Buttons, acorns, pine cones & who knows what else will find a home in the other ones. I'm still working on cleaning remember...lol

This is one of my most favoritist things in life...YARN!!! And I have plenty!! I have it all organized by the rainbow color palette. It's so wunnaful being able to see just what I've got. I tend to go out and buy yarn just for funzies. There is a slight addiction to my yarn buying.
This part of the closet houses a small portion of my fabric. In that gorgeous basket I keep my embroidery threads. The basket was the one I bought at the gas & Steam engine show. Remember that Red Owl box I wrote of this summer that I got at a rummage sale? That now sits on the closet floor & holds stray balls of yarn from past projects. It makes me smile every time I see it. Brings me back to my childhood of weekend grocery shopping trips with Mom & Dad.
This is another part of my scrappin desk. I love how it looks out the window. Yeah, I still get the litter pans in my room. But that's ok. They will stay cleaner this way anyways. As who in tarnation would want to work in a cat smelling space? Plus the whole Pooh thing rocks my socks!!
Go Spartans!! Yup, still a big MSU gal!! The picture is blurry but in the rack there I have myriads of papers to fart around with.

I also have another desk area in this space. It's my old vanity. Actually it was my sister Chrissy's & then Laurie's...and now mine. I wish I knew how to insert a photo & move it around. I'm sure it will be included in another post...at another time. I've still got A LOT of cleaning to do up there! This is just a smidgen I've showed.

Anytootles...I've been ooberously busy cleaning, getting back to "me", crafting & all that fancy stuff. It took me many months to allow myself to claim this room as my own. My heart is healing & I am totally diggin having this Eeyoreiffic room to craft & do paperwork in!! =)