Started out Innocent

The other day I posted what I thought was an Innocent entry & apparently it upset someone. Instead of this someone calling me to tell me how the post made them feel they signed up for a blog account just to post a negative comment which was pretty much about how they felt left out of my blog. I gave myself some time to think about it & my mind is still rather boggled & I am still unsure what to do. Should I continue writing on this thing? Especially if I feel I have to defend myself all the time? I've contemplated deleting this blog & I may just do that after this event. I'm a rather brutally honest person & a blog is about expressing yourself. I say things like it is.

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It's so easy to read something & misconstrue the words. I don't intentionally set out to hurt people's feelings. But for some reason I apparently did...without even knowing.

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This is what happened...I posted a blog titled Thankful Thursday. In the blog I posted random pics of things I am thankful for. I mentioned in the beginning & the end that these were just a few of the many thankfulness's' of Kaffy. I put a great amount of time into this post. It took a few hours just to find pictures.

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Well, to lay it all on the table this is how it is...I don't have pictures of myself with my family. I was 10 years old when my parents died. Would I have liked them to stay living & remained with my siblings? Heck YES!!! But things didn't work out that way. Life throws in some not too wonderful events. After my Mom & Dad died I went to live with my biological dad & his wife. During that time I did not have much contact with certain family members. Did it suck? HECK YES!!!! I was close to 2 of my brothers & my sister. But I only had 10 short years to make memories. So I really don't have those experiences to be able to post about. Am I thankful for them? ABSOFRIGGENLUTELY!!!! This blog was a picture blog of things I am thankful for...I just plain ole don't have pics of myself with my family. My one brother is 10yrs older than me, my sis is 12yrs older than me & my other brother is 13 or 14yrs older than me. So, the age gap kinda had us going different ways. That's just how life is. Do I wish I had special memories & photos? Heck yes!!! See, I don't post oodles about my family because I don't have oodles of memories. I was a kid, running around, playing dolls & whatnot. Our family doesn't get together all too often. Not because we don't like each other or anything like that. But everybody has jobs, works different shifts, some are married, have families & some are not married. It's hard to get us all under one roof with such hectic lives. But that in no way shape or form means we don't love each other. This part is where I will allow myself to vent just a little bit...Does it suck that I have some family who only know me through what they read on my blog? YES! Does it suck that some don't call me "just because"? Heck yes. I have friends who do that same. The excuse is that they never know when we are home. Well we have phones. They could call perhaps. I've always thought communication with each other was a two way street. Not only one person needs to be putting in the effort. Well, for the longest time I seemed to be the only one to put in the effort....and I just stopped. That does not mean that I still do not care for them...because I do. I have discussed this situation with a few other family members because I wanted to know what I did wrong...and if I did anything wrong. One said I should sorta apologize & clarify myself. But I still wonder...what would I be apologizing for? For not posting pics that don't exist? Another couple said I did nothing wrong & they totally understand that the pics just plain ole don't exist & they were not offended their photo was not included in my thankful post. Plus I don't really allow myself to go back to my childhood. There were some awesome things, no doubt about that. But my childhood was not what I'd call spectacular. Now please don't take that in a way that I am not eternally grateful for my childhood. Because I am. My two older brothers & sister basically raised me, Dad worked a lot, Mom got sick, Dad got cancer, they died, I had to move away from my familiar life at home with my siblings into a whole different life. I grew up fast after Mom & Dad died. That's pretty much my childhood in a nutshell. I don't want to let myself live in the past. Especially my emotional childhood. It's never ending drama. It's life though...and it's my life...and for me my life truly didn't begin until I met Ken.

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I accept that before I came along there were 9 of them, there are memories, and pictures of just the 9 of them. I'm not at all offended I was not included. Those pictures & memories just don't exist. That's what it comes down to. The same thing with the Thankful Thursday post of pictures....I can't include pictures that I plain ole don't have. They don't exist. It doesn't mean I am not thankful for them...it was a picture thing...started out innocent, a way to remind myself that each & every day there are so many things to be thankful for. In today's world it's so easy to point out the bad things. I thought it was good to allow myself to reflect on my many thankfulness's'. Apparently even posting good things somehow gets me in trouble, I'm rather sick of having to defend myself & explain the obvious to so many people.

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I needed to allow myself to be happy and post about happy things. And for one day I was grateful & happy. The month of August has not been very kind to us. We lost our 1st baby on the 23rd of 95 & lost our 2nd baby on the 31st of August. So I need to remind myself of the wunnaful things in life. Especially in August when I have to be reminded of the babies I lost. So this post was a way to do that...and it turned to complete crap that day after when I read the comment....no more thankful Thursday posts...I'll probably mess it up.

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I love my family. I just don't have very many memories of them growing up. Life threw out some curve balls & it was out of my hands. I was 10 & I can't fabricate memories that don't exist. I'm sure by posting this I will offend people too & words will be miss construed...it's a never ending cycle...one I will most likely delete.