Random Filth

Tonight I did something I never thought I'd do...I went to a movie by myself!! Of course Ken is on the road. And face it, Nights in Rodanthe is not his cup of tea. But I so badly wanted to see it. I decided this morning I would try to go today. I say try because I felt like donkey doo today. Not that I know what a donkey doo feels like mind you. I contemplated calling my gal pals & setting up a gals night. Which would have been out of this galaxy fun!! But then I thought, hmm most of my gal pals work or have babies...something I do not have...I have oodles upon oodles of guy friends but seriously, who would be game for going to see that movie? Not any that I know of. So, I waited the dizzies out today & finally decided at 5:30 I'd be bop to the theater. I have to admit, it wasn't all that bad. Being by myself I mean. I'm always by myself anyways. The movie was great!!

I've been thinking a lot lately. I have feelings of being inadquate, like I NEED to be doing more. I have no babies so why is it I don't "work". Sure, I do the paperwork for ownign our semi. But my brain is so much more capable of doing other things. I love to bake but I can only be Betty effin Crocker so much. Our waist lines show the outcomes. I've been doing a lot of reading. Which reminds me...Lauren, if you're reading this I am waiting for another post!! Yesterday I made a damn sock monkey. Never made one before so I thought, what the heck? Anyways, I'm wanting to do something, feel like I am making a difference, a contribution. At the same time I also want to be able to go on the road with Ken. With the unpredictability of my MM it would make it extremely hard to hold a "normal job" But I need to do something & I have some ideas.
I took this silly quiz the other day...for heck's sake. It was sumthin about How Old Your real self is...sumthin along those lines. Anyways, mine actually came out to be 34!! In a way it surprised me & in a way it didn't. I'm not one for huge parties & complete chaos. I enjoy having order, but at the same time I am extremely spontaneous. Does that make any sense? I've always thought that I have an old soul.

Last night while making the sock monkey I got all cranky, like piturbed with someone. This November is 2yrs ago my nephew was born. My sister adopted him...we were supposed to. Why is this bugging me? Is it because we allowed ourselves to put our heart out there for Maddy...only to get them crushed? But at the same time I know it wasn't meant to be. With Maddy I mean. We are content with it being just us for the rest of our life & have dismissed all hopes on having a baby & see the good side of not having a kiddo. But then it still hurts... I guess the hurt never truly goes away...

In just a couple weeks I will start putting up our Christmas decorations & our handful of trees. For some reason I'm not all super stoked. Is it that I'm getting old? It's like I am where I was 2yrs ago. After the whole nephew ordeal. Not wanting to give a rats arse about Christmas. It's rather bizarre.

I was recently invited to a Christmas party by my friend Shelli. She's amazing! But I'm not sure if I should go. It's for the deaf/HOH club in Esky. I met her through my fabulous friend Gwen eons ago. Gwen had told her about me & my Meniere's crap. Losing your hearing from MM is not uncommon, pretty much a given. It's not something I've truly accepted yet. But these folks have & want me to join them. I have not used sign language in years so it's pretty rusty. I fear I won't be able to communicate or that I won't "fit in" I asked Ken what I should do about this. Bless his heart. He's amazing. He knows I have issues with dealing with the inevitable...perhaps attending this party would make me realize & begin to accept that if MM takes my hearing , life would still have meaning & I would still have friends. Not saying life wouldn't have meaning otherwise. I just don't know!!! So sorry for babbling here. But I haven't done it in awhile.

Onto other things...my thoughts on the upcoming World Series...Go Phillies!!! I have to admit my Bosox were not playing to their abilities in the beginning of the ALCS. It sure is odd sitting here, not watching a baseball game.

There's just too much on my mind right now. Think I'll take a bubble bath to relax, turn on some Korn to relieve stress, have a glass of wine & make sock monkey's to be quirky!!!