Day 21

What would I like to forget? I had a hard time thinking of this one. Sure, there are several events and images the are forever etched in my mind that I'm sure most would like to forget. I chalk it up to a learning experience. That does not mean I wish for these things to happen, because I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. To watch your dad slowly die as the cancer invades his body is an image no person deserves to see. But I learned how to be more compassionate and fight for others who have it. To be locked in an old mans garage for a few hours and have things happen to you and a few girl friends...no kids needs that either. But, it taught me to appreciate my body. It is mine, and nobody has the right to do anything to it without my permission. Telling my Mom I hated her and wished she was dead was horrible. I was mad because I wanted another Cabbage Patch Kid. Mom died unexpectedly the next morning. That harsh event taught me to never take your Mom for granted, to not be a selfish little brat and to always make sure your last words are "I love you" to my loved ones.

But....there is something I would like to forget and I am working on it. On 6-28-10 was one of the best days of my life. We were granted custody of my niece Joy and given the chance to adopt her when the time came. Dream come true seeing we can't have babies of our own and I love her, she is my niece. I can't even tell you how "complete" I felt holding her, feeding her. In the two days that we had legal guardianship of her I was beyond sick. My meniere's was the most wicked it had ever been. I laid on the bathroom floor begging Ken to take me to the ER. We knew that my health crap would get in the way of keeping her. How was I going to be able to take care of her every day when I have days I struggle to take care of myself? We made the call and the search for a new family began on 6-30-10. I was devastated, a complete failure in every aspect. I was pissed, hurt, sad and hopeful. Hopeful that Joy would find a perfect new home, pissed at myself and meniere's, hurt that our dreams were vanishing. Her new family is beyond amazing. The hurt and feeling like I failed surfaces now and then. We know we made the right choice to let her go...yet, I don't understand why I still cry when I see pictures of her, why I miss her, why I wonder, why I haven't washed the blanket I'd snuggle her in because it smells like her. What I wish I could forget is the pain of realizing we couldn't do it, the pain of handing her over to her new mom and saying goodbye, the pain in Ken's face and heart to let her go, the feeling of my arms being "empty", the feeling of failing myself, my husband, my friends and my family, the pain of knowing we will never try to adopt again. Most days I do not have these feelings. Most days I am happy with our decision and know I am blessed because I am still Joy's auntie and she is with an amazing family. It's the days that all those emotions fester that I'd like to forget.